My Crack-of-Dawn Travel Adventures From Hell (Or: Why Northwest Airlines Can Effing Shove It And Die)

Over the last four years I've done a lot of traveling. I've made the round trip from Minneapolis to New York City about two dozen times during that time, among many other trips, and I've had a few travel mishaps and lessons learned along the way. But today's travel adventures? They're in a whole new exciting category of travel fuckery that's so spectacular that I felt I just had to share the joy.

Here's the context that helps make the story really pop: A few months ago my parents booked me a round-trip flight from New York to Minneapolis for the Thanksgiving holidays. Then, on November 11, my romantic relationship hit a giant iceberg and went ass-up a la Titanic.

Since my now-former-boyfriend and I were still living together, and even though the breakup was mutual and relatively peaceable, everybody figured maybe it would be best to have a little time away before I moved to my new apartment. My parents generously offered to fly me home for the holidays several days early on a one-way ticket from Sun Country Airlines and I took them up on the offer.

So I flew home early, spent time with my family and even saw a few friends, did the big Turkey Day meal with la familia, and then it was time to pack things up and head home again.

If only.

Things today started out on the wrong foot. After sleeping fewer than three hours (last night I just couldn't drift off for some reason) I woke up at 4:30 a.m. in the suburbs to get out the door at 5:15 a.m. for my 7:15 a.m. flight. But that wasn't even the rough part.

First, at 5:50 a.m., when I got to Sun Country Airlines at the Humphrey Terminal in Minneapolis, they kindly reminded me that my flight home was on Northwest, not Sun Country, and was in fact at the other terminal. I ran full-out to catch the light rail connection to the Lindberg Terminal, and made it there in just enough time to feasibly catch my flight.

I told the ticket agent at Northwest/Delta that I was flying from Minneapolis to JFK, but when she punched in my information she said that wasn't happening. I was flying into La Guardia. Oh, well, okay, no big deal. Another fun random turn in the morning, but that was fine with me. Since I'm still living on the Upper East Side, La Guardia would be even quicker to get home. I was game.

But then: "Um, sir, you're going to have to go see a ticket agent down there at the end of the row. There's a problem with your ticket."

A problem?

"Yes," she said. "Your ticket has been cancelled."

WTF?

I went down to the other agent and, while clicking away at her computer, she delivered the big fun surprise that gave the morning that extra special, memorable touch:

"Sir, it seems that you did not fly out on the outbound leg of your flight from New York to Minneapolis, and when you did that it invalidated your flight itinerary. You can skip a return flight, but you can't skip an outbound flight on a round-trip ticket. So unfortunately your ticket has been cancelled." And then, in a more upbeat tone: "But you are certainly welcome to buy another ticket."

OMFG, WTF?

"Well," she explained, "when you don't take the outbound leg of the flight it violates the terms of your ticket and it invalidates the itinerary. So we can credit you the $300 you paid for the original ticket, but there is a $150 rebooking penalty, and then you need to purchase a new one-way ticket, which I can book for you for $560 on this morning's ten o'clock flight to La Guardia. So that will be $410, cash or credit. Or you can use 60,000 Sky Miles and pay a $150 fee to book the ticket. Whichever you like." (Sixty thousand Sky Miles, by the way, is well over the amount of miles you need to book a round-trip ticket to Maui.)

I was about to tell her what I would really like from her, but I held my tongue and started dialing my phone.

I mean, seriously? We paid $300 for a flight. And because I didn't take the outbound leg the whole thing is invalidated? And I'm then invited to purchase a one-way flight for the bargain price of $410 to get home?

Screw that.

Online we found a ticket home tomorrow for $216. We'll go ahead and do that instead of paying $410, thanks.

A little quick math: $300 for the original ticket, $110 for the one-way ticket home early after the ol' breakup, and now $216 to get me home tomorrow. That's $626 for a 10-day Thanksgiving visit.

Happy freaking holidays.

I headed downstairs to the deserted baggage claim area to wait for a ride home. I went directly to a vending machine and bought a Kit Kat and a Diet Coke. I polished both off before you could say, "Northwest Airlines and all its affiliated f**king affiliates can go to hell."

I plunked down in a corner, right on the concrete floor (it was near an outlet, where I could recharge my goodies) and watched the sunrise as I listened to the symphony of a creaky baggage conveyor belt, still limping along even though there were no bags to distribute, as it mixed with the drone of CNN and the click and shuffle of footsteps. Two baggage claim employees eyed me as I sat in my corner. I just focused on my chocolate.

At least I had the chocolate.

Finally, nearly six hours after arriving at the airport, and at about the time I should have been walking through the front door of my apartment in New York, I got a ride back to the Minneapolis suburbs.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow I will be back here at 5:45 a.m. for a 6:30 a.m. flight home.

A flight home, that is, if Northwest Airlines doesn't decide to cancel my itinerary at its discretion.

Cross your fingers.

Comments

[Mathew Sanders]

That's pretty tough. Airline ticket rules suck. But yay for the Kit Kat!

[Toby]

Traveling during the holidays is not fun. :(

[James]

That exact thing happened to me once on America West trying to get home from Vegas at 5am. Needless to say I was still drunk and not a happy camper. Glad you made it home!

[CHRISTOPHER]

Farkers.

[justin]

You should have checked with the airlines when you got that extra ticket ( a few days early) to see if there were any issues. I have never heard of anyone not showing up/calling when they already have a reserved seat on a flight.

Why didn't you change your original outbound flight from NYC? You basically purchased 2 flights from NYC to Minneapolis = WASTE OF $$$ esp. in this economy

Sorry for your troubles

Safe travels!!!

[Lee]

that sounds like a fracking pain in the ass! you know that when airlines print their tickets they print this stuff in like size 1 font and when you query it they talk as if you know what they're on about.
this reminds me of my flight to new york in 2003. everything done and dusted and at check in i found out my passport has expired. a "fast track" emergency passport takes...4 hours! thank goodness for evening flights :)

[ChadDarnell]

Oh that sucks! The worst airline experience I ever was Christmas 2002 - I was casting ALIAS at the time and I had just cast the SWAT team for the big Superbowl episode when they would blow up the SD-6 and was flying home to Atlanta. But, if they moved the scene, I was screwed, because I cast the entire team from the people working on the Colin Farrell movie "S.W.A.T."

American Airlines was on terminals 2 and 4 at LAX. They kept sending me to the wrong terminal. Pouring rain. Missed flight. Had to get a new ticket. Two hours going through the security line and finally... six people from going through the metal detector, the production office called to tell me they were moving the scene to another day. I had been at the airport for six hours at this point, I hadn't slept, no coffee, had to go to the bathroom and I heard: "We're blowing up the CIA on Monday."

To which, I screamed, "I thought we were blowing up the CIA on Tuesday! That's what I planned for!"

It look less than two seconds for me to get yanked out of line and have a mini strip search.

I sat there for 20 minutes as they went through my bags, took out scripts, the whole nine yards before I spoke up and explained the situation.

Hope you make it home. And don't mention anything about blowing up the CIA.

[Evan]

That sucks, Delta always seems to Fuck something up. The last two holidays they have lost my luggage, last year for 4 days. So now i get insurance on the tickets, and i also just pack a carry on.

They enjoy you giving them business, as much as they like taking you for a ride.....

[Kasheik]

What a pain in the ass! But who knows...In the world of possibilities... Some way, somehow the universe wanted you to be home a day later... Maybe it saved your life for all we know! Or even a limb! ha! On that morbid note.. Happy Holidays! It can only get better! :)

[Chris]

Bummer. Traveling sure is stressful and unfortunately every airline has the same policy as Northwest. Never skip your outbound leg or you won't have a trip back home. I only know the rules since I work in the aviation world, but unfortunately the common passenger wouldn't necessarily know or think there is such a policy. Good luck with the new apartment!!!
Chris

[charles]

i'm still giggling like a school girl @charddarnell's comments.

i'm flying home for christmas. not looking forward to the trip.

[Clark]

That's awful! Although, unfortunately that does seem to be the rule across the board for round trip flights. United did the same to me and I've never made that mistake again.

[Mitchell Ferguson]

Sorry that happened but it was a rookie mistake. It's like earning a badge in Boy Scouts now you are one step closer to being a hardened road warrior! Hope it doesn't snow tonight!! Best of luck!!

[Jonathan]

That does suck, but it's true that it's a universal, and pretty elementary, airline ticket rule - one I'd be surprised a Passport magazine contributor wouldn't know. Now you do!

[Sharon Elcock]

Why didn't you throw a celeb tantrum?

"I'M ONE HALF OF JOSH & JOSH AND I'M RICH AND FAMOUS!!! GET ME THE EFF OUTTA HERE!"

XO

[Ed]

That sucks. Royally.

The airlines instituted that policy to avoid gaming of flight fares that was occurring. People would book tickets to cheap destinations with a stopover in the city to which they actually wanted to fly to avoid the higher priced direct flight.

e.g It may cost only $200 to fly to Vegas from NYC with a stop in Minneapolis but $350 to fly direct to Minneapolis from NYC (on the same freaking plane no less!).

There were a lot of other ways to game the system based on discounted round trip fares, etc. e.g. You need a one way fare to NYC from Minneapolis but it cost $200. However, there is a $99 discount roundtrip from NYC to Minneapolis. People would buy the roundtrip and only use the return portion.

The airlines caught on and now invalidate the ticket if you miss any portion of the outbound leg.

The airlines want to make sure they are getting their full price for the privilege of locking you in a big silver tube with warm soda and stale peanuts.

But at least you're home.

[Chris]

"A little quick math: $300 for the original ticket, $110 for the one-way ticket home early after the ol' breakup, and now $216 to get me home tomorrow. That's $626 for a 10-day Thanksgiving visit."

But didn't you say they credited you back the $300 for the original ticket that was unused? That brings you down to $326, which is only $26 more than you were going to pay originally, plus hassle and inconvenience, free of charge.

[Tim]

It never occurred to you to cancel your outbound flight? You were just letting that seat go to waste? Sounds like NWA was in the right?