Where The Hell is Suri Cruise?

Okay, Josh and I keep reading all of the news stories, which are beginning to pop up in legitimate news sources, asking the question, "Where is Suri Cruise?" It's been more than 80 days since her birth, after all, and we've yet to catch a glimpse of Tom and Katie's offspring.

But you see, dear friends, people keep forgetting a few important details:

First of all, when Katie finally checked into the Los Angeles hospital where Suri was "born" and took off that pathetically fake-looking pregnancy belly, there probably wasn't a baby to be had at all.

If there was, it was probably carried by a surrogate and handed over after avalanches of paperwork and confidentiality agreements.

If the baby was carried by Katie, and if Tom was the father, it's important to remember that the baby was conceived with the assistance of a Dixie cup and a turkey baster.

And no matter what happens, we all know this much: Katie's in it for the money (maybe the Dawson's Creek residuals weren't that lucrative?), Tom's crazier than batshit ("Matt, Matt, you're glib, Matt! No, I've done the research. You haven't."), and Suri, god bless her if she does exist, is in for one interesting ride.

Comments

[Peter]

I think you forgot something else important: They're Scientologists, and Scientologists do not play with a full deck. They could just be hiding her away from the rest of the world so that she doesn't grow up with the outside influence of, I don't know, normalcy.

[Roy]

Couldn't have said it better myself...Love the line from his interview w/ Matt Lauer...That shit was priceless...

[WhatIsASuri]

hello there,

i stumbled onto your blog and i must say that it is great. great job guys!

[A.J.]

funny too how katie shopped rodeo drive right up to delivery,
and seems she don't shop no mo' since.
if there is indeed a real baby, she's property of the cult and is under expert care in some below-ground bunker-hatch nursery bouncing on the couch wearing a tinfoil helmet, while "kate" is busy on the phone with her lawyers.

[DoAnythingThatYouWantMeTo]

Nobody's "forgotten" those details.

[Ruben]

Apprently people saw Katie and Suri on vacation and report that the baby is not that very pretty. So, either the baby is no a cute baby as people might expect - and TomKat wants to save the ridicule from brutal press or the baby was born with some kind of defect and they haven't recieved the proper inspiration from the 'elders' on how to best handle the situation.

[rob]

Now that you mention that Ruben, I wonder if it's true? The whole thing with them buying an ultrasound machine to use at home sounded sketchy enough, but if it or something else actually resulted in some sort of birth defect... Are celebrities allowed to have defective children? Maybe tomkay are simply trying to pretend they were never pregnant in the first place, and by not showing the baby they'll think people will eventually forget? *shrug*