Okay, Josh and I keep reading all of the news stories, which are beginning to pop up in legitimate news sources, asking the question, "Where is Suri Cruise?" It's been more than 80 days since her birth, after all, and we've yet to catch a glimpse of Tom and Katie's offspring.
But you see, dear friends, people keep forgetting a few important details:
First of all, when Katie finally checked into the Los Angeles hospital where Suri was "born" and took off that pathetically fake-looking pregnancy belly, there probably wasn't a baby to be had at all.
If there was, it was probably carried by a surrogate and handed over after avalanches of paperwork and confidentiality agreements.
If the baby was carried by Katie, and if Tom was the father, it's important to remember that the baby was conceived with the assistance of a Dixie cup and a turkey baster.
And no matter what happens, we all know this much: Katie's in it for the money (maybe the Dawson's Creek residuals weren't that lucrative?), Tom's crazier than batshit ("Matt, Matt, you're glib, Matt! No, I've done the research. You haven't."), and Suri, god bless her if she does exist, is in for one interesting ride.